dgirl1300

So, sometimes I feel like I am a bad person. Or at least, that if people really knew me, they would perceive me as such. This is part of why I no longer have much interest in going to church, or being a part of the church community. This is part of why I do not like most 'Christian' stuff.

Sometimes this makes me sad. I look back and I know that some of the people that I used to love would not accept me now. I wonder if I am going to hell. I wonder if I am wrong or if maybe all the other people are wrong and strict and misguided. And also narrow-minded. But most of the time I feel tremendous guilt for simply being me. And frustration that I cannot be myself. And then I get angry at God and the world and the church and such. After that, I wonder how much of a gap there now is between God and the church, between what God has truly commanded and what the church has turned into its narrow definition of acceptable 'Christian' behavior.

They did that in Jesus' day too. Part of the huge problem was that the Pharisees had tacked all kinds of silly picky little rules onto the basic laws God had originally given them. They had gone on to convince people that these rules were as important or more important than the original laws, so people were freaking out and paranoid about picky little things that had nothing to do with God's original intentions at all. Then and now, people rarely check scripture to see what it really says, and people can be very very condemning. Sometimes I feel like I am being fake at church. And no one has ever loved me and supported me like my non-religious friends do. Church people suck, generally.

UNACCEPTABLE!:
I am very interested in other cultures, which some people see as unAmerican and unChristian. (Canadians=socialists, anime=porn, etc.)
I drink occasionally. Smirnoff Green Apple, no!
Sometimes I get tired of fanatically trying to make sure my cleavage is covered up and I happen to display maybe half an inch or so. I'm 'well-endowed' and layering is a pain, ok?
I find it fascinating to learn about other religions and worldviews. This is obviously terrible, as even knowing about them might cause me to convert to them and because I should be completely uninformed about 'evil' things.
As mentioned before, I like anime/manga, which is obviously weird, childish, and unAmerican.
I think it's just as important, if not more so, to take care of the needy in our own backyard before skipping off to other countries and coming back going on and on about how much it 'changed us'.
My boyfriend and I do a little more than kiss. And I don't think that it's wrong to look at someone and say they're hot, or to be attracted to them. According to some Christians, a guy should call a friend to keep him from committing the horrible sin of looking through a Victoria's Secret catalog. That just seems a bit extreme to me.
I do NOT believe that children are always raised best by their families. And I am tired of people not wanting to talk about uncomfortable things like child abuse and behaviorally disturbed children. Good 'Christian' people who are so freaking sheltered they can't imagine a 12-year old sexually abusing another child because that's what was done to him, and they certainly can't imagine it happening right next door. When they are confronted with it, they obviously get all uncomfortable with having their perfect bubble intruded upon by such things. They don't even try to help, just stick their head right back up in the clouds.
My best friends are similarly unacceptable. One is Canadian (Socialist!), one is gay. Several like to drink. One enjoys violent movies. They are all more loving and supportive than most of the church people I've met.
I love my animals. I believe they have souls. I believe they are more than property. I do not believe in breeding or buying. I think it's awful not to spay or neuter. I think there are very few good reasons to give up a pet. I would kill for my cat. This makes me weird or even just plain wrong in many circles.

So I suck and I might be going to hell. At least I'll go being true to myself.

I guess.

When I was pretty little...still in elementary school, at least...our huge bathroom mirror fell off the wall and broke into huge glass shards not five seconds after I had just been in there brushing my teeth. My Dad was away at work for the month, of course, and my Mom had to pick up big chunks of glass all by herself. She strained her back, and sometimes it still bothers her to this day. So I'm not crazy about broken mirrors, but that's more because they're honestly dangerous than because of any superstition.

I like to dance under ladders, particularly onstage during set-building. It amuses me to see people who are superstitious freak out.

I own a black cat. He is my baby boy and one of my best friends. Ok, so he has a tiny patch of white on his chest. (Seriously tiny, no one notices it until I show them.) But he's mostly black. Actually, I'm a little worried about him this Halloween. If he gets out, I don't want anyone to hurt him because of their superstition.

I do enjoy performance-related superstitions. However, I don't really believe in them, I just love the sense of tradition and community they bring. I've been performing in various ways (dance, marching and concert band, plays, etc.) my whole life, so it is a big part of my identity.

So I think superstitions are hilarious. That's my take.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is dgirl1300@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

Kazu was a brat today. He broke a candleholder. I didn't really care about the candleholder, but I still had to sweep glass off the kitchen floor. So we had a talk about that. He didn't want to listen, but I made him stay on the couch and at least pretend he was listening.

I almost called The Crook today to talk about ghosts and other randomness, but I didn't because I'm paralyzingly lazy. Seriously. This is starting to become a problem. I was so unwilling to leave the house today that I let my blood sugar get really low. (I'm hypoglycemic, folks!)

So I'm at my Mom's house for the next....day. I am always torn between so many different places and people. Why can't we all be in the same place? Or at least I could learn to teleport. I'm always afraid I'll end up stuck in some weird dimension like Kurt did on Xmen Evolution though.

I am worrying the Pancho, and for that I am sorry. But...I just had to get some things off my chest, so to speak, and I'm tired of pretending because I'm afraid of what people think. Good thing he loves me anyway.

I'm going to go crazy if these people don't call me back and get me started on this job soon. I turned in my article to my other job (yes I have two) but I have yet to get any feedback or better yet, a paycheck. I hate being dependent on other people, and the joy of staying at home and being domestic all day is fading fast. Let's get on with it!

In other news, I hate driving and my tires are terribly low. Sam's is also dragging its heels on getting my new tires in. Why is everyone so slow?!

I have been reading a book about the African gold rush that is not as painful as I originally thought. Who knew?

As predicted, I am still on campus despite being out of school. It's been good to see everyone. It continues to amaze me how long people can go with no contact and fall right back into the same relationships. It's quite reassuring.

I am halway finished with the tedious drawstring casings on my Spiderman shirt. Hurrah! My next project is making a tube top. That's right, a tube top. Of course, I will wear a shirt over or under it, because...well, I'm just not that kind of girl. But I think it will be fun. The shirt I am altering it from is a bit goth too, and I do love dressing ironically.

I've been trying to figure out how to use cream eyeshadow. It's not going very well, but I got two cheap trios, so I'd better figure it out soon.

Rent is impending...dun dun dun...

So I found two straight pins sneaking around in my carpet last night. Thankfully I found them with my eyesight and not my foot. I have no idea how long they've been there.

Once I put all the straight pins back in my current shirt project, I should be able to finish fairly quickly. I'm making a drawstring casing up both sides of an old Spiderman shirt. Hopefully when I'm done I'll have a lovely feminine Spiderman shirt, because retailers still haven't caught on to the fact that girls also read comics and will pay good money for merchandise. That's ok, it gives me an excuse to sew (do I need an excuse?) and I thoroughly enjoy sewing.

For my next project I'm thinking of making a little 12 x 12 inch pillow. I'll have to buy some stuffing...but I read in a magazine recently that putting a pillow like this at the base of your spine while driving helps your posture. My shoulders have seriously been killing me lately, so maybe that'll help. And if not, hey, I have a t-shirt pillow!

So my Mom asked me the other day what I wanted for Christmas. This is the signal I needed to start posting random Christmas wishes online and such. First of all, I want an iron. Yes, an iron that you use to iron clothes (and maybe smack people on the head). Is this pathetic? Probably. Is this a sign that I'm getting old and turning into a psychotic June Cleaver? Possibly. Regardless, I want a good iron. Now usually I am not a big believer in ironing. I AM a believer in drying my clothes for 5 minutes and then hanging them up so that I do not have to iron them. However, what with my trying to get a real job and all, it's becoming a neccessity. Maybe I will even wear pearls when I iron. Creepy?

Probably.

Totally stolen from invadertwinkie

I have spent the last week or so re-watching the first volume of Azumanga Daioh.

I am about to make chocolate chip cookies to take to my friends' house tomorrow night.

The last time I was in an arcade was playing Tekken at the theater with Panco. The machine was partially broken, which made the game hilarious.

There is an adorable and goofy photobooth strip of me and Pancho in my desk drawer.

I haven't had a sleepover in a long long time and I miss it.

I have a Hello Kitty steering wheel cover in my car.

I am only interested in the part of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles that has Clover characters in it.

I can't wait to go to the Anthropologie store next weekend!

I would really like to get my cartilage pierced, but that probably is not a good idea considering the job interview I have on Monday.

Roleplaying with the boys last week was some of the most fun I have had in quite some time.

I've also been reading the first volume of Azumanga Daioh, which is different enough from the anime to make me giggle at new things.

I would like to cosplay Chiyo if I am ever able to go to a con again.

Pancho and I watched Repo last night. It was weird. I think it needed more Tony Head. He makes everything better.

I feel like I should be more industrious at the moment. I could be preparing this month's rent for mailing, for example. But I'm not. I'm restless, and thoughtful, and just a bit lonely. I am frustrated that my thoughts will not arrange themselves into neat and tidy rows, ready for presenting, but at the same time I am thankful for this. I think my thoughts need to run free and unfettered for a while.

I had a lovely entry all thought up about cotton candy and thoughts running free and formal education being like a fence and such, but those thoughts too have run free, still visible but just outside my grasp.

Pancho said the apartment looked nice last night. That was good to hear. Feminists can suck it, I still take pride (or lack of it) in my domestic skills (or lack of them). And I want my place to be homey and welcoming. I've been enjoying a bit of nesting, and playing with decorating ideas in my head. Unfortunately, I'm a bit limited until we can find decent frames for some of my pictures, and a new piece of glass for one frame. I'll be happy to get everything hung and adjusted properly.

I feel that I myself am looking more presentable too. My complexion's already starting to clear up with the removal of some school stress, not to mention more time to spend on skincare. I feel relatively prepared with a semi-professional wardrobe to start my internship, but I'm still a bit nervous about orientation on Monday, and I need to do some laundry, as always.

It's good not to do homework for a while, to let my mind rest. For the moment I haven't taken on any intellectual pursuits of my own, but I'll be starting summer class in a week, and there's an interesting project some of my old professors are working on. I will most likely take part in that in the fall. I'm ready to officially get my degree though! Somehow I don't feel like I'm quite in the clear until that happens. Formal education still has me in its dastardly clutches.

I've been reading again, though I haven't quite gotten back into the steady habit as I would like. I finished "The Woman in the Wall", which was quite nice, but unfortunately I probably would have enjoyed it more in high school, which is when I acquired it. I'm currently reading "The Spy Who Came in from the Cold", which is starting out slow but looks as if it gets better further on. (Yes, I peeked, so sue me.) I don't count my literary dabblings at the library since I merely skim books and magazines, though I've encountered some fun books there too. I think Oliver Sacks may be my new favorite psychologist.</nerd> I also highly reccommend the book "Your Call is (Not That) Important to Us". It's funny, interesting and insightful. Their are others I've filed away, to come back to when I have time to read them fully. I did finally break down and get a library card, so once I've made a sizable dent in my own collection, I might actually start using it.

So that's my boring contribution to the blogging world for now. Auf Wiedersehen!

I am a contradiction lately. Even as I crave truth I also want the comfort of ignorance. I look at the boppy sorority girls and wonder if they are happier than me in their shallow worlds. Sometimes I want to be them.

I haven't been this introverted in some time. Partly because I didn't want to be, partly because I had no time or reason to be. It hurts, but there is something good in it I think. There is something good about examination and analysis. It is one of my strengths as well as a weakness. I don't think I could really stop wanting to know things if I tried. I hope not.

Whether I want to or not, I still find myself consistently defined by other's expectations. It is a difficult position, and I often experience role conflict. But I am finding that who I want to be and what others need meshes more often than not. I am not sure if this is due to a change in me or them, or a bit of both. I wonder if it is entirely a bad thing to be defined by other's expectations. I wonder if I would function better in a collectivist society.

I am having a hard time lately believing that God and good are things that go together. I believe in God, but I don't know if I believe in his goodness anymore. I find myself attending service because I am afraid of what Pancho's family will think of me if I don't. I have never attended church because of others and the practice bothers me greatly. As it is, I tend to slip off during service to have phone conversations with my Mom anyway. I am considering making my absence from service official now. At least this weekend I will have the excuse of visiting with my Mom, but perhaps I should simply make my feelings clear. I don't know that I can deal with them fully until they are out in the open.

I wonder if peace and restlessness can coexist.

I think I'm becoming a humanist.

I'm scared.

I don't know where to start, really.

I've been considering moving...not far, just within the city. Not to Canada, regardless of the election results. (Sorry, Annachan.) I lovelovelove my apartment. It's the first place I've ever had on my own and I'm just quite sentimentally attached to it. I'm sentimental about a lot of things. I blame it on my personality type (INFJ). But...I dunno. I never understood before why people wanted to move after losing someone they loved (and lived with). But after losing Fi...I'm starting to get it. I don't want to forget her...I just want to make a new start. And it might be kind of convenient to live a little closer to campus...and possibly a new job I may get. Of course, my Mom probably thinks I'll die if I live in that area...and I'll admit I wouldn't want to live there alone. I'm also in no financial position to move right now of course. And I'd have to find a place that would let me bring Kazu.

Maybe just finding a roommate will help. I do get lonely out there some nights.

I want to cut my hair so bad. Anyway.

I also want some new clothes. Not just because I'm shallow, but also because I'm getting older and needing to look more professional. Like for my interview tomorrow. I also feel nice when I look nice. And a little more grown-up and capable when I....well, look the part.

I'm doing better in school...I don't know if it's enough to salvage my grades though. The first quarter sucked eggs and it made it really hard to concentrate on tests and textbooks. I really don't want to play the sympathy card (even though it's true), but I might have to in order to stay next semester. I just want to get out and start using what I've learned.

Finally found out what happened to Fi. The soft tissue infection we'd been fighting for about the past two years made its way into her bloodstream and to her heart. I always knew that if the infection got any further, that was pretty much it, but it seemed to be under control. It's good to know and bad at the same time. I dreamed about her last night.

Kazu and I both still miss her. I had to come home (to my parent's) for a day or two, and I felt so bad about leaving him. As soon as I came home from work, he jumped up and started snuggling me. But things must be done, I suppose. Practical things like eye-doctor visits, haircuts, and getting my brakes fixed.

I get to see the Crook tonight, which should be fun. We have a lot to catch up on and I want to start being a better maid of honor. Especially since this is probably the only chance I'll ever have to participate in a wedding.

I miss my parents and my childhood home quite a bit, but I miss Stown less and less. There is a certain charm to some things here, but you have to look pretty hard to find it. I suppose the same is true of the city, but I feel more at home there now. I've found a place for myself, or made one, perhaps.

I don't want to make this entry, but I guess I will.

Fiona's gone. Kazu and I miss her terribly. I don't have enough time for my friends. My family is still fighting. My boy is amazing.

I'm trying to sell enough Avon so that I can either quit my store job or seriously reduce my hours. I'm getting restless here.

I want to ignore everything, but I'm not very easily distracted anymore. I love my work. I'm going to become a kickbutt psychologist just so I can show the world. Now that the play is over I have time to dedicate to school. I'm so happy fall is coming. I can't wait to wear my snuggly sweaters and shiver with Pancho. I want to take walks in the crisp air under the clear blue sky.

I might move closer to campus. We'll see.

I love my bunny.

My apartment is a hideous mess again.
I tried to lighten my hair a bit, partially for the play, but it didn't do much.
All my goth clothes are clean now.
I seriously need to catch up on some homework, mostly for Personality and Correlational.
I reallyreallyreally want to see Repo!The Genetic Opera.

I'm tired. I have a million things to do. Which is nothing new, right? I suppose I should try to be all cheerful and list things that have gone well. Why is it that so often my gut reaction to cheerfulness is disgust?

Oh well. Carpe Diem and stuff.

1. My stove is sort of clean.
2. I have new contacts.
3. I have a few clean clothes.
4. I just finished a homework assignment.
5. The book I'm reading is REALLY good.
6. My car is not running out of gas.
7. I get my paycheck tomorrow.
8. Pancho is the awesome.
9. My Dad is surprisingly awesome sometimes.
10. Fiona is really cute.
11. Kazu is really entertaining.

THE END. FOR NOW.

Tomorrow Kazu goes for his shots. I wasn't with him last time he got his shots (they did it as a favor for me while he was boarding) so I'm wondering how this will go. He is such a terrible patient.

Speaking of which, Fiona finished the last of her medicine a few days ago. I am hoping she will stay well without the medicine. The lump is not completely gone, but it is waaay smaller and all the places where it had drained have closed up. (Sorry if this is bunny TMI.) She has been a bit grouchy lately, but I'm not sure if this is because she's not feeling well or because she's mad at me for going back to school.

As usual, my family life is lame lameness. A second cousin of mine died a few days ago. He was only 19. We still don't know what happened exactly, he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn't seem that this should be a big deal to me, since we weren't that close and didn't know each other that well. But the fact that he was so incredibly young bothers me, as well as other circumstances of the situation. There's also the fact that I've lost 7 family members in the past 5 years. I sometimes wonder if I've seen too much death for someone who hasn't even graduated from college yet. The whole visitation/funeral process is practically automatic for me now. Sometimes it feels that I'm being followed by a shinigami, and I don't like it. It's very tiring, in so many ways.

Almost no one talks to anyone else when they're walking to class at 9:30 in the morning.

I think I might be boring. Unfortunately, practical problems leave me little time or energy to contemplate deeper issues.

Or is it unfortunate? Must one be unhappy to think about the deeper things in life? Does thinking too much make one unhappy? How important is happiness? Do I care? Maybe I just want to be happy in the here and now, regardless of anything else. Maybe that's wrong. I don't know.

Wayne's World was the "Welcome Back" movie last night on the lawn. I didn't realize until the Alice Cooper scene ("We're not worthy! We're not worthy!") that the first place I ever watched this movie was at my Uncle Paul's. It was bittersweet, and I almost cried right there on the lawn watching Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. It was stupid. I wonder if I made a mistake, not seeing him for these last few years. My Mom says I didn't, but I'm not completely convinced yet.

I am a terrible irresponsible person. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, my feet always slipping out from under me no matter how fast I run. I almost had it all under control...I was almost being a responsible adult. Why is it that every time I'm knocked off my feet? What did I do?

A general update on things, which seems like all I have the energy to do anymore. My thoughts just don't really go in order...

The fuzzies are doing quite well. Kazu has been extremely more well-behaved since he spent a week at his Mexican Grandma's. Fiona's abcess has gotten quite a bit smaller and we're almost done with her medicine. She is also more active and alert.

Finally got some time with Belle tonight. We were pretty girly, but there were only a few giggles to be had. We've both been pretty stressed lately. A lot of it consisted of updating each other on current personal events and of course discussing wedding stuff, which was fun.

I miss my boy, largely due to some family issues of stupid that I'm having at the moment. Still, the summer has been difficult in some ways, mostly in distance. I'm looking forward to him living in the dorms again so I only have to drive as far as school to see him. The logistics have been a pain at times.

I may actually have a...more decent job soon. My current job has gotten a bit better. I'm not sure if that's because I'm working harder, my boss has relaxed or both. I even have a suspicion I would get more hours if I asked. But experience is the important thing now, and I'm not getting that working in retail.

I am hopefully with long trips for a little while. I miss all my people, especially now, and I worry that my Mom needs me. However, I hate making that drive all by myself, and I am simply ready to settle into a nice predictable routine here in my city. I'm excited about getting some things in order and starting a new school year.

I've finally been able to read jetwolf's thoughts on the...disgusting...issue #12 of the "Buffy: Season 8" comics. And it has me reminiscing about the good old days of Buffy. I've surprised myself by becoming quite opinionated about this series, which I feel has been utterly, utterly....screwed in so many ways. And I am incredibly pissed at Joss. I could write a novel on what I feel has gone wrong with this series, but also on what I feel was previously done right. And I believe Joss can do better. I've seen episodes of Angel that felt like Old Buffy. I've loved Firefly and Serenity. But I'm going to try my hardest to ignore the comics completely, so as not to further spoil my beloved characters, story, and universe. Here, only one of the few things I feel have gone wrong.

Buffy and Giles: Why spend so much time and effort and emphasis on the beautifully touching father/daughter relationship between Buffy and Giles when you're just going to rip it apart, quite unceremoniously, in Season 7? Now, I understand, somewhat, why this happened in Season 7. And though it was somewhat rushed, it was believable. Heck, I was even pretty mad at Giles. But I can't believe that after everything they've been through together, that Buffy and Giles wouldn't have reconciled by now. Buffy, when not being a selfish witch as she has been for a while now, is smart and loving enough to know that whatever terrible thing Giles may have done, he truly believed it was for the best. For her best and the world's. There are so many times he has come close to sacrificing even that mission for her, and I just can't believe that she wouldn't appreciate that. Maybe Spike was right. Maybe she did come back wrong.

In happier fandom news, my Pancho has actually willingly expressed interest in watching Buffy, even after seeing a particularly crappy season 7 episode. (I showed it to him because he loves Firefly and I thought he'd be interested in seeing Nathan Fillion as the villian.) So back to the beginning we go! It'll be quite lovely to see someone experience it for the first time.

Kazu-Now has a collar and tags
Fiona-on what will hopefully be the last dose of her meds
Garrard-I miss you
Mom-I miss you, even though you drive me crazy
Pancho-is amazing

Job-trying to get some freelance work at a local magazine
Car-still messy

Reading-Tess of the d'Urbervilles
Class-Cognitive Psych may turn out ok
Still-searching for the perfect sundress
Exercising-pretty regularly
Apartment-still messy

...to make the cat behave. Kazu has resumed his craziness as of late, which is quite dissappointing considering how good he had been for the past month or so. Fiona is enjoying her new grass mat and flinging it from one end of her cage to the other. She really enjoys throwing things. But, as my Pancho said...who doesn't enjoy throwing things? Words of wisdom indeed.
I've been throwing a way a buttload of things...including things that I no longer wish to look at. I don't think I've ever cleansed myself of a past experience so thoroughly. I've never wanted to before...but I'm happy to do so this time. I'm very content with where I am. I keep pondering the Bible verses about contentment and joy in all circumstances. But I don't want to get too presumptious. Everytime I do so, life kicks me in the booty.
I am on the quest for a semi-wearable swimsuit...having a little more success than usual-since I'm relying on magazines and the internet to help me out. The pool in my apartment complex opens soon and I'm planning on getting a real tan this year. NO I'm not going to get skin cancer. But I think a little sun is good for you, so all the whiny scaredy people can just SHUT UP.
I'm hoping my summer classes will go well...believe it or not I can't wait to start.

...it has actually been a long time since I've felt this way towards anybody. And I'm really happy with that. (Ok, so maybe I've felt this way towards really slow drivers and/or slow-walking people, but I'm not counting that.) I have stupid days, and I feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I'm pretty happy with my world in general. I just wish I was better at chilling out and appreciating it sometimes. At not being so panicky everytime I'm happy and waiting for it to blow up in my face.

And things aren't perfect, of course. There's a pan caked with grease rotting in my sink. My hair is really gross. I don't have anything to wear. I'm terrified to even think about my grades. I can't cook.

But things are good, and I'm going to try and learn the meaning of contentment and confidence.